i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
