The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
