I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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