You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's rum buckets o'clock
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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