now i know why i became what i already was.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
