Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
