Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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