My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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