Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
