I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
