I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
