remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
