I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
