Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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