Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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