1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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