Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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