My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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