that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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