guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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