I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
