i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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