Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
