dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
