i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
