she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I deserve this hangover.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
