I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
