Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
