Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
