You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
