WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
