Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
