I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
