Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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