i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
