i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
