She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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