o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
