I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
