What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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