I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
