my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
