hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
