dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
