She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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