Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
