We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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