I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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