I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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