Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
