WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
