Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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