I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
