i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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