Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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